Stressed student ready to knuckle down, pull finger out, crack on and have a wank

Concerning reports have emerged of a panicked student whose constant reliance on motivational sayings and ‘self-care’ has resulted in little to no work and instead led to aimless stress masturbation.

This study technique has induced a vicious and inescapable psychological circle, which some experts have termed ‘Procrasturbation.’

We caught up with the housemates of Ophelia Self, the experienced dilly-dallier in question, for an account of this alarming study method.

“She’ll pace around the living room on the phone telling her parents she’s got everything under control despite her laptop being shut for hours.  She’ll then Instagram a weird motivational quote taken from a born-again Christian leaflet put through our door.

“When this panicked pacing stops, she suddenly gets a look in her eye and says she’s going for a quick ‘nap’. She locks her door and we all know what happens then, don’t we?”

The housemates nodded in forlorn agreement, before adding:

“Every time she comes back upstairs to start her motivation chanting again it’s weirder and more intense.”

Unfortunately, this means of procrastination appears to plague many students. A recent University survey, ‘How do you dawdle your way to a 2:1?’ found that many students report a similar inability to focus and are dangerously involved in vicious motivational-turned-masturbational cycles.

The phenomenon has recently been documented in an English language dissertation titled ‘Procrastination Stations! Killing time and self-worth in University’.