Bumble-sponsored party hires snipers to shoot any boy that talks first

I heard a scream: ‘Oh my god, Jamie, NO!!’

Bumble has announced a new policy of ‘immediate neutralisation’ for any boy that speaks first in a conversation with a girl at one of its famed sponsored house parties.

The dating app, already well known for only letting girls message first, explained in a statement that it had decided to double-down on its market offering.

“Bumble has for years been the dating app of choice for empowered girls and cowardly, sweaty boys, because of our brilliant female-first messaging feature that students know and love.

“So we decided to make our sponsored house parties the truest incarnation of that principle: if a boy speaks before a girl at any point during the event, he will be instantly assassinated by a high-performance long-distance military professional. It’s part of our zany and captivating new marketing campaign. Get swiping!”

“It seemed like a fairly standard big Redland house party,” party attendee Hannah Lewing explained, “I arrived, got a wristband, and headed in. Fine.

“Music was playing and there were some pretty nifty decorations. I could hear a nos balloon fill up upstairs. Normal, normal, normal. As I turned into the hallway, I saw my friend Jamie from Politics. Nice guy, good to see him – a beer in hand, smiling. He looked well.

“It was at that moment, as I stood across from him, that he said ‘Eyyy Hannah, wassup, how you doinggg’. Very standard, he speaks like that as part of his current persona, whatever. But then someone behind me, who must have overheard, screamed ‘Oh my god, Jamie, NO!!’

“It was at that moment that a .50 BMG round from a Barrett XM500 46 inch rifle whizzed past my shoulder and struck him on the forehead, between the eyes and just above those weird 90s rave glasses everyone thinks are cool at the moment for some reason.

“His face, still smiling in that friendly private-school-boy-who-thinks-they’re-charasmatic-but-actually-they’re-just-loud kinda way, was instantaneously marmalised in an explosion of blood, bone, brains and clever Bumble branding.

“As his lifeless, tipsy body crumpled into a heap, I saw piles more of them behind him: everywhere, confident boys who had spoken first. And standing next to them, happy and alive, quiet-and-nice boys who had not.

“I immediately downloaded Bumble. It’s the dating app for me.”

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