the whip

Researchers use carbon dating to trace hundreds of students’ opinions back to the same Guardian article

Researchers at the University of Wigan have revealed this week that carbon dating techniques have allowed them to trace multiple students’ self-proclaimed ‘original thoughts’ back to the very same article from popular left-leaning broadsheet The Guardian.

“It’s quite remarkable what we’ve discovered actually,” Professor Joseph Crassmen, head of Middle Class Studies confirmed. “We put forward moral, political and economic problems to multiple students from the city of Bristol in a variety of orders and social situations and recorded their answers.”

He continued, “what we found was that the same four or five quotes were coming up on a small select range of topics. Fat-shaming in the avengers. How to make an authentic Carbonara. Tommy Robinson’s real name being Stephen Yaxley-Lennon. It was at this point that we decided it was okay to scan their brains with radioactive waves.

“Whole entire psyches are constructed by this stuff,” the Professor explained. “You get real ‘hive mind’ effect when that spans across several different neurological systems. It’s quite scary. Luckily, despite my close proximity to the test subjects during the research, I’ve managed to retain my autonom-actually am I allowed to say that hive minds are quite scary? Is that a bit anti-bee? Oh god it is isn’t it. I don’t have it in for the bees, just to clarify. Can we cut this bit out?”

After Professor Crassmen was assured that the bit was cut out, we discussed the practical data that supports the carbon dating.

“One of the biggest pieces of behavioural evidence that implies our radiation analysis is correct is that all the students we studied asked whoever they were conversing with to ‘support them for as little as £1 today – it only takes a minute’ at the end of their sentences,” he remarked. “This confirmed out results from the lab.”

When our reporter questioned the ethical issues raised by these sort of tests, Professor Crassmen was firm. “I want to be very clear here, we took great care to make sure our work was safe. For example, the University of Wigan has a special, high-tech room called an ‘Echo Chamber’ which is used for media influence research such as the study we were completing.

“We used it a couple years back Daily Mail users, it did very well. Kept absolutely all the bigotry in. We don’t cut corners here at the sixth best university in the Greater Manchester area.”