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‘Everyone in here must fancy me,’ thinks student in library unaware of crumb on face

A cheesy plot twist.

Reports are coming in that third year student and library fanatic Tom Clarke decided this afternoon that every single person in Blue 2 had an uncontrollable crush on him.

The stress-fuelled undergraduate reached the conclusion after receiving a seemingly inexplicable amount of cross-desk eyeballing – but The Whip can exclusively confirm that the stares were the result of a singular crumb, resting between Clarke’s left nostril and upper lip.

It appears that the combination of Clarke’s choice of snack (dry cheese twist) and speed of consumption (T = 37 seconds) were the prime factors leading to the monstrous puff pastry remnant.

Eyewitness accounts suggest that the frantic student had, in a bid to maximise study time, sprinted back from Sainsbury’s to the library.

“I saw him whizz by in a frenzied gallop, one arm flailing in the air, the other propelling the pastry into his gaping gob,” one observer informed The Whip. “He was gone in a flash, leaving a trail of fluttering cheesy flakes behind him.”

Whip reporters caught up with Clarke. “Naturally, when I returned to the library sweating profusely and panting, I assumed the stares I was receiving were a result of overwhelming sexual desire.

“I went to the bathroom. ‘Aren’t we looking good today,’ I thought. Slicked the hair back a bit. Thought about saying hi to one of the people who’d been looking at me but didn’t want to seem too keen. Anyway, as I was ogling myself in the mirror, that’s when I saw it.

“Catastrophic crumb placement. No words can describe the panic. I paced it downstairs and out the doors; haven’t returned to the library since. My notes are still there reserving my seat. I can’t believe that not everyone fancies me.

“It seems, in many ways, I got the wrong end of the moisture-less cheesy stick.”

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