‘Everyone in here must fancy me,’ thinks student in library unaware of crumb on face

Reports are coming in that third year student and library fanatic Tom Clarke decided this afternoon that every single person in Blue 2 had an uncontrollable crush on him.

The stress-fuelled undergraduate reached the conclusion after receiving a seemingly inexplicable amount of cross-desk eyeballing – but The Whip can exclusively confirm that the stares were the result of a singular crumb, resting between Clarke’s left nostril and upper lip.

It appears that the combination of Clarke’s choice of snack (dry cheese twist) and speed of consumption (T = 37 seconds) were the prime factors leading to the monstrous puff pastry remnant.

Eyewitness accounts suggest that the frantic student had, in a bid to maximise study time, sprinted back from Sainsbury’s to the library.

“I saw him whizz by in a frenzied gallop, one arm flailing in the air, the other propelling the pastry into his gaping gob,” one observer informed The Whip. “He was gone in a flash, leaving a trail of fluttering cheesy flakes behind him.”

Whip reporters caught up with Clarke. “Naturally, when I returned to the library sweating profusely and panting, I assumed the stares I was receiving were a result of overwhelming sexual desire.

“I went to the bathroom. ‘Aren’t we looking good today,’ I thought. Slicked the hair back a bit. Thought about saying hi to one of the people who’d been looking at me but didn’t want to seem too keen. Anyway, as I was ogling myself in the mirror, that’s when I saw it.

“Catastrophic crumb placement. No words can describe the panic. I paced it downstairs and out the doors; haven’t returned to the library since. My notes are still there reserving my seat. I can’t believe that not everyone fancies me.

“It seems, in many ways, I got the wrong end of the moisture-less cheesy stick.”