A University of Bristol student was left dismayed yesterday after finding out that her recently acquired sugar daddy is actually a lot less financially exploitable than her biological father.
Second year Tilly Basilton, formerly of Churchill Hall, was able to speak to our reporter today to explain her unfortunate situation. “I’m fuming, so fucking done,” growled Tilly.
“After he said he was going to take me to The Ivy and we ended up at Wagamama, I had my doubts. Then I found the bank statements in the glove box of his Mercedes, and my darkest fears were confirmed. I’d barely call him middle class. Disgusting.”
The History of Art student then explained why the monetary situation of her now-defunct ‘financier’ was such a kick in her privately-whitened teeth.
“Dad has been financing me for the last eighteen years of my life, and if I’m honest I haven’t been overly impressed. Actually, I shouldn’t call him ‘dad’ in this, he says that’s just a treat for Christmas and Instagram captions. Gregory or ‘Sir’ I’d say is better. I could go with Greg, that’s a bit more informal isn’t it.
“Anyway, the last couple of years have been particularly difficult for me. After the tennis courts were built at the end of last summer, Greg cut Barbados down to two months. That was the final straw. I don’t have to tell you how boring Kent is in mid-August. One word: frightfully.”
She continued “He left me no choice to but to look elsewhere – he knows where he stands and what I need. Older. Whiter. Wealthier. I knew it would be tough to find the right combination of rich and desperate, and I thought I’d literally struck gold with my current sugar parent. I was wrong.
She clarified “Well, half wrong. He does own a large mining facility in South Africa that excavates the stuff, but he’s still fucking povo.”
When asked what she’s going to do next, Tilly laid out her plan. “I know what mistakes I made and I won’t make them again. For example, I’m going to start at the top of The Sunday Times rich list for contact numbers instead of the bottom. Trust me, I won’t make this blunder again.”