Clifton’s most prestigious and well-loved takeaway, Taka Taka, announced this week that there are ‘exciting menu changes’ on the way for after UoB examinations cease in early June.
The pitta-potty public eatery explained their new ‘headline’ dish, the ‘Tragic Roll’, in a press release on Thursday afternoon. A spokesperson for the Greek-owned wrap specialist detailed that it will be targeted towards ‘those who are just too drunk, too disorganised, and ultimately too tragic to get into a club they’ve been staring at for the last two hours from the Brass Pig smoking area.”
The wrap will include the usual ingredients any regular Triangle takeaway connoisseur expects: pork, chicken or halloumi, chips, a generous dollop of Tzatziki and an immediate sense of self-loathing.
Our reporter spoke to a staff member yesterday evening to get the low-down on the new nosh:
“We’re always looking for inventive ways to attract new customers” he explained. “And when your customer base has the dignity levels of a small toddler drooling and shitting at the same time, you have to play to it. Further, if they don’t know how much of an embarrassment they are to their club-bound colleagues, we’re happy to provide that service.”
“It’s also technically a ‘healthy option’ – not so much for the customer, because it’s packed full of processed kebab meat, but for us as staff” another employee added. “due to our commitments to good customer service, we can never really tell the awful droves of middle class, painfully socially unaware layabouts exactly how ridiculous they are.”
He continued “with the new menu, I can just hand them a ‘Tragic Roll’, watch the look of both anger and embarrassment simultaneously appear on their face, and smile back like the smug bastard I deserve to be. Cushty.”
Along with the ‘Tragic Roll’, Taka Taka will be introducing several other similarly motivated dishes. Come the end of may, customers will also be able to purchase ‘Prick-en’ Gyros, ‘Look at you, you’re so disgusting and dirty’ fries, and the ‘Halloumi wrap-it-up-and-go-home-for-gods-sake’.