Reports came in this week detailing the courageous actions of a student who stopped a stranger on the bus from getting back with their ex.
“Please don’t get back together,” were the words whispered by 20-year-old Chelsea Holding to her fellow passenger, who was dismayed to realise Chelsea had been reading her text messages the entire bus journey.
“I never thought I was ever going to have to save a life, but it happened,” said Chelsea to Whip reporters. “When I got on the Magic bus at Uni I thought I’d just be judging people on Insta the whole way home.”
“But the girl next to me was typing frantically on her phone which caught my eye. I’ve been there; the rapid-fire messages, the swift locking of the phone followed by a deep breath. I had to have a look. ‘Ex bae’ was the contact name on her phone.
“What I saw shocked me. ‘I’m sorry I cheated on you with your three best friends’, ‘I didn’t mean to run him over, he was sleeping under the wheel, how was I supposed to know?’ and ‘Actually I sold it so we could go see the new Avengers, but my mate does medicine and says you can survive with one kidney anyway, so stop giving me grief’.
“As we continued down Curry Mile I could see it getting worse. They were going for 2-4-1 cocktails at Revs later. We all know how that ends.
“I had to step in. I cleared my throat. ‘Please don’t get back together,’ I said, barely registering on the Decibel scale. She whipped her head round in disgust. ‘What the fuck,’ she said before getting up and disembarking. Disaster; I was too late.”
The student in question could not be reached by our reporters, but was spotted at the Owens Park entrance the next morning wearing the same flared jeans and Smiths t-shirt as the night before.