Exeter University has this week been struck by a heisting duo comprised of a deformed seagull and an emo wheelchair-bound boy. In the last week, vast numbers of meal deals have been helplessly snatched from students’ hands, with attacks often occurring on the forum steps.
The three-eyed seagull appears to be in cahoots with a mysterious feather-clad student, after being spotted escorting multiple bags from Pret to the latter’s wheelchair. At the peak of the pair’s success, the boy could be found sitting happily under a pile of three Comida wraps, two Ram chicken bites baskets and a worrying number of ‘Fox’s Party Rings’.
Known to his few friends as ‘Bran’, the boy claims to have supernatural powers, allowing him to control the seagull whilst simultaneously seeing all of history. He says he feels threatened by Google, and gets very annoyed at the sight of automatic doors.
Bran has been a complete pest to invigilators throughout this exam season. Outside the forum, he has repeatedly given out random exam answers to unsuspecting students, always justifying his words with the line “now is the time.” He’s also been stationed outside the tennis centre, where he immediately lets students know if they’ll be re-sitting in August. “Question 2C? Completely wrong”.
University life has evidently taken its toll on the undergraduate. Earlier this week, exasperated screams of “Where’s my baccy?! Have you seen my filters?” were quickly replaced with “Oh for fucks sake Bran’s at it again.” Using the seagull as a nicotine transport machine, the sight of Bran puffing away at a badly-rolled ciggie has become all too common.
Reactions to Bran’s efforts have ranged from justified to unrealistic. Numerous groups have abandoned the forum steps altogether, whilst one EURFC boy repeatedly ululated “Fuck off Bran!” to no avail. One girl, with plaited bleach-blond hair, commented that she was so enraged she could “practically massacre a city.” Some other students, who had been watching the spectacle for some time, muttered that it was “just bad writing.”