Dear library seat,
Thank you oh so much for writing in to The Whip’s Agony Aunt column, we’re sorry to hear about your heart trouble, it’s never easy. It sounds like you and JB (Jacob’s Bum) have some real things to iron out, but what you’ve got to remember, first and foremostly, is to always look out for number one (you).
You said that on Tuesday, between 11:30 and 12:30, JB left only to come crawling back five times? Now I have two words for you sister: ‘respect’ and, ‘yo’self’. You’ve gotta! You can’t let him treat you this way, it doesn’t matter how “damn good he looks in those corduroys,” your words, not mine.
Now honey sweetie darling, Lord above knows that I don’t want to use that ghastly word that starts with ‘pre’ and ends in ‘nup,’ but if he is taking liberties, then you have got to take action. I say you put your leg down and have the ‘what are we?’ chat. If he needs a ‘break,’ he puts down a wheel to adequately indicate as such, it’s called basic fucking decency.
You’re worth it, I know you are, you know you are, it’s just whether JB can stop being such an ass and realise that you are— otherwise it’ll be too late. You are a goddess; we are all goddesses, so own it! Live by the words of our fellow goddess, Beyoncé Knowles, “If you liked it then you should’ve put a wheel on it.”
Stay strong, be true to yourself,