Categories
Bristol UK

Boy who had imaginary friend in school grows up to be student who has imaginary eye-fucking partner in library

He is yet to interact with a real life human this revision period.

Second year Economics and Finance student Hugh Hamlin made a startling confession this week, announcing in an exclusive interview with The Whip that he has ‘a romantic acquaintance who is totally fabricated’.

After it was discovered the undergraduate had been submitting a series of anonymous Bristruths confessions aimed at himself, a pattern emerged implying that Hamlin had been falsifying tales of engaging in illicit eye contact with female students. An anonymous pal said that over the course of university, he has transitioned from ‘lazy fucker to motherfucker and now, the lowest of the low, eye-fucker’

The Whip sat down with the doe-eyed airhead to hear the full tale. “I’ve tried Tinder, I’ve tried Bumble and my stint on Match.com concluded some years ago”, the loveless undergrad informed us, “But it’s all a bit too ‘real’. You actually have to talk to ‘real’ people. No Likey.”

He continued “At school, in my pre-social media years, there was no timelines to fill and few peers to impress. So, I created my own friends! There was Matt, Arthur and Sven – they loved coming round for dinner. I’ve mapped the same formula onto my hapless romantic life, and it’s paying dividends!”

“By constructing pseudo-romantic interactions from the infinite creativity of my own brain, I am able to provide myself with much needed library-based endorphin boosts. When you completely fabricate amorous glances from other students, you end your revision sessions feeling like a filthy little stud muffin and you don’t even have to talk to a single soul. Prime.”

Despite Hamlin’s jovial tale, eye-contact without consent has the potential to garner unsavoury reactions from victims. The Whip advises the practice of safe eye sex in the library, especially if you don’t wear contact lenses.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *