Wheat fields across the country have been trembling with fear this morning following Theresa May’s announcement to resign from office.
Farmers have reported an unusual quivering across many hectares of their crop, with some suggesting the imminent return of Theresa May has struck fear into the grains.
Whip reporters spoke to Robert Jones, a concerned farmer whose Berkshire farm shares a border with Mrs May’s home.
“Our ears of wheat just want to live a nice quiet life, grow in peace, and eventually be harvested by the glorious tractor, but now that Theresa May has escaped 10 downing street and will have endless amounts of free time, our fields will be under constant threat.
“Look at all these ears of wheat. Living a quiet life, growing in peace, eventually to be decapitated by the razor-sharp blades of a combine harvester and compacted into sugary cereal for children. Theresa May threatens to shatter that peace.
“At any moment she might run through these very fields and squash their dreams, just like she squashed the dreams of this great nation.
“Now that she’s escaped Downing Street, she’ll be here all the time, in between £500,000-a-pop ‘talks’ at Harvard and Stanford. My farm won’t be able to take it. Look at the grains quaking, they’re terrified.
“The wisest grains – the cream of the crop – they knew this day was coming. And now it’s here. Our innocent ears of wheat dread being trampled on by the careless clown-feet of this cruel, oppressive tyrant. They fear the imminent destruction of us all.”
As our reporter left the scene she noticed a women absent-mindedly galloping towards the field shouting, “I’m free, I’m free!”
Driving off, the only sounds were Robert Jones’ cries for help, and an evil, sadistic cackle.