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Formerly non-stick frying pan speaks out against knife crime

This has gone on for long enough.

A once adequately functioning non-stick pan has finally come forward following years of ill-treatment and misuse. Robert Tefal spoke on Sunday after being used as both a pan and plate for a 4pm fry-up which left him scraped, scratched and sad beyond belief.

“I had to say something. This has gone on far too long. I used to kind of enjoy it, the pain, the submission; feeling carelessly treated and knowing I could be easily replaced. But I’ve had enough. I am owed respect, appreciation, and a lengthy soak”

Tefal is among a number of household objects and appliances that have raised issues of domestic corruption. A bottle of fairy liquid had previously made statements on rampant fraud and embezzlement, meanwhile a group fridge shelves came together in early May to discuss overpopulation and the unfair distribution of resources.

Unfortunately the voices of the tea towels remain unheard, having faced years of unspeakable abuse and neglect, they are beginning to go into hiding.

The Whip spoke to the ‘owner’ of Mr. Tefal over how they plan to confront this urgent crisis, and prevent immorality towards domestic appliances; however the student in question merely responded with an out-dated and unpopular Borat impression, failing both to make us laugh and to answer our queries.

It is yet unclear what will become of misused kitchen utensils, and whether Sasha Baron Cohen has sufficiently evolved as a satirist of American culture.

Robert Tefal’s debut album: ‘Pancake Day: a Violent Memoir’ is out this summer.

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