May says “fuck it”, sacks off work for tinnies in Hyde Park

A bold decision!

In an unsurprising turn of events, Theresa May has announced that she will be resigning from her post and moving towards the greener pastures of Hyde Park.

Inside sources have told The Whip that the motivation behind this move was a desire to sink a crate of Red Stripes in the sun.

Mrs May announced her departure in an emotional resignation speech followed by a swift exit, presumably dying to get that afternoon buzz going. She will be stepping down on the 7th of June which is opportune timing as the PM is reportedly trying to sort a ticket for Gottwood.

One Downing Street aide quoted the Prime Minister as saying “Fuck it, the weather’s peng and Philip’s just gone on a tin run. I’m gonna blast a bit of liquid DNB and catch some rays, let Boris or one of these other mugs handle this shit show.”

The Whip commends May’s brave decision to relinquish all responsibilities and duties, despite impending deadlines, in favour of getting rat-arsed in the sun and possibly going to Fruity later if she can find a ticket.

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