In a joint press conference, university spokespeople and student activists stood together and announced a major breakthrough in the negotiations triggered by the declaration of the climate emergency late last month. Julian Babbage, chief student climate negotiator, was the first to take the podium.
“When my fellow students would ask me what I thought was our most powerful renewable resource was, I would only have one answer for them. Denial. Denial? No longer. Finally, we have something concrete. Well, not concrete, concrete is all yucky and quite Tory when you think about it. Finally, we have something soft and spongey and green. We have got something… algae. After weeks of negotiation, we are delighted to announce that the university has agreed to re-wilding the ASS’s invaluable green-space by pledging to paint/plant more digi-print-trees.”
Ecological engagement officer Martina Power then took to centre stage:
“We’re also pleased to confirm that as a nod to our environmental cause Dr. Brady has committed to wearing Doc Martens for at least three days a week. We have also pinned some nice shouty buttons on his lapel and given him a handful of symbol-seeds. He is enthusiastically committed to either planting these or giving them to the prettiest birds he sees.”
In an interview shortly after, university spokeswoman Bea Bütlicher confirmed Dr Brady’s new makeover and reiterated the university’s commitment to stewardship.
“The University of Bristol is delighted to continue our city’s tradition of tireless activism. To quote our Climate Change Redevelopment Plan’s (CCRDPP) subtitle: “our hearts have always been zoned for you”.
“Protecting the green-space proves that we are tough on unsustainable development. We have rejected the international student body’s request to redevelop the green-space into banks of sleep-pods. If they want to sleep there, they will sleep under the glow of printed stars; out in the Great British Indoor-Outdoors.”