Desperate student cites broken escalator in application for mitigating circumstances

Fair play.

It has been revealed today that one student has used the closure of the Main Library escalator as a mitigating circumstance of studies. If accepted, he will be permitted to miss his upcoming exam on Theories of Motivation.

The online application was submitted to the Faculty of Biology, Medicine and Health on Monday 27 May, some six days after the escalator’s closure. It is said that this is the first plea of its kind the school has received this year.

According to reports, in answer to the requirement to ‘Please select the relevant mitigating circumstance category’, the student was forced to select ‘Ongoing issues’. The student afterwards noted his disappointment for the lack of broken-escalator-encompassing choices available.

In a passionate speech to his friends, he said, “I think my situation really highlights a problem with the mitigating circumstances application procedure at the University of Manchester. There is no option to select if it’s the uni’s own fault!

“They really just expect us to work around unfathomable disturbances in our studies that they caused. How do they know I’ll secure my Blue 1 dream desk without a motorised vertical carriage taking me there?”

This  remark follows several known sightings of the student throughout the current exam period acting out of the ordinary whilst in Main Library. The sightings have included him reclining in a library-owned deck chair he had dragged into Purple 3, asking nearby studiers if they had seen his North Face jacket (“It’s, like, black with a white logo”) and actually purchasing food from Library Lounge Café.

In an ironic twist, these activities are known to be signs of deep distress, which are a legitimate qualification for receiving mitigating circumstances.

The Main Library escalator, which is usually able to take students swiftly to the first floor, has been stationary for over a week. Whilst the cause of its standstill has not been confirmed by the university, rumours have circulated that being crushed under weight of thousands of students’ broken dreams every day is to blame.

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