‘I’m so done with that’: student finishes English degree, vows never to read or speak again

Never look back!

Third year English student Anna Plath today made a bold statement, or rather didn’t, since she has undertaken never to read or speak again following the completion of her degree.

Through a series of vague gestures that would make even the most ardent of charades players lament their lack of skill, Plath explained that her studies have left her so overwhelmed by English’s ubiquitous symbolism that she has abandoned it altogether. Similar, though less extreme, sentiments have been shared by Anna’s classmates, who report being vexed mercilessly by the asyndetic register of shopping lists, and the inherent normative meaning of the word ‘okay.’

The stoic undertaking initially worried Plath’s friends and family, as her boyfriend Edgar revealed.

“At first I was worried about the effect Anna’s vow of silence would have on our relationship. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship after all,” he added, “but then I came to see the positives. We haven’t argued in six weeks, we never have trouble deciding where to eat, and I’ve won twelve games of Words with Friends in the past two days.”

When asked how long she could keep her silence up, Plath declined to comment.

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