Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg was in Bristol this week to award a second year UoB student with a conservation award after it was brought to light that they had managed to keep their plant alive for the entire tenancy.
“You can organise as many climate strikes as you like” the Swedish teenager told the international media in Redland, “but if the plant in your room wallowing in its own wilt whilst you’re out protesting, who’s the real hypocrite? You, or the people that deny climate change? Or what about the plant? or even your room? or your Mum? Does it make your entire existence hypocritical? Fuck knows man.”
“To be honest, it’s a mystery to me. Best not to find out and just get the green fucker a bit of life juice. Agua to you normies.”
We were lucky enough to interview the Nobel Peace Prize nominee this morning. Ms. Thunberg used the meeting to set the record straight on the ‘vicious lies’ circulating about her activism and work.
“It is merely a coincidence that this Bristol student’s selection of potted flora was purchased from my country’s greatest export, IKEA. I would like to take this chance to dispel any rumours that I have been receiving funding from the company to advertise the longevity of their products.”
“The connection between this award and IKEA, the nearest one of which can be found at Eastgate Shopping Centre on Eastgate Road, BS5 6XX, is purely coincidental. The fact it has a wonderful collection of home and garden products at affordable prices, and 50% off all bed-wear purchases until July 14th, has nothing to do with my time in Bristol.”
“As a vegan, I would never dream of promoting a company with world-renowned meatballs on the menu. The rich, juicy flavours they draw out of quality ingredients sourced from local British farms for a fair price mean I would never collaborate on any sponsorship deal.”