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‘Freshers is gonna be great, won’t sleep in my own bed once’ sobs accommodation-less UoB first year

Every Tuesday is offal Tuesday.

Bristol University has recently come under fire for failing to provide accommodation for hundreds of prospective first year students. The university spokesperson’s full statement explaining UoB’s position ran as follows:

“Money – me – now – more, more.”

The Whip talked to one fresher without accommodation who staunchly defended his new alma mater.

“Yeah, Freshers mate! Freshers, wow. Can’t wait for it. I’m not gonna sleep in my own bed once. I’ve moved in early to nail down some sweet social capital, meet some chicks – advertise myself, you get me? It’s gonna be wet, wet and wild.

“Well, it’s going to be bucketing it down across the border, and I’ll have to avoid some larger marine predators on my commute.

“Yeah, my commute! I’m a lucky beneficiary of the Commute and Save program.

“The Uni – UoB, UoB! – has been so great. They’ve sorted me out with a lovely little cosy crawl space in a Pontypridd abattoir. I get a free bus pass and a 40% – (40% – I know!) reduction on offcuts. Every Tuesday is offal Tuesday! Flatmate’s this class mature student – strong and silent type. Told me he studies something calm – Flesh Art or something. Haven’t seen him round Brizzle yet.”

So just how gruelling is the commute?

“It’s doable. Really doable, mate. Can I call you mate, mate? Up at 4 AM; air freshener the crawl space – the kidneys give it this faint tang of piss that you can sort of taste with your eyes – short train to Swansea, long train to somewhere unpronounceable, short bus, quick swim across the Bristol channel and then a FREE U1 TO UNI!

“My original choice was Durdham, so I’m not too fussed about it.”

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