Exeter Freshers Week to be renamed ‘Shark Week’

The most vicious predators on the south coast…

Multiple Discovery Channel camera crews will descend on Exeter this week following news that the university’s ‘Freshers Week’ is to be rebranded as ‘Shark Week.’

Producers are hoping to document the “terrifying” predatory routine ‘2nd and 3rd year’ type sharks enact on a standard night out, in efforts to raise awareness to the many young freshers at risk.

Amy Lansbury, an expert on shark behaviour, has attempted to investigate the phenomenon. When asked why so many appear at this time of year, she explained: “Sharks struggle to hunt ‘schools’ of fish, so they wait until they’ve just left.” She also noted that it’s not uncommon for much older sharks to migrate to Exeter at this time of year, in the hope of finding the ‘freshest’ food.

Early footage has already been captured. 3rd year Geography student George Benton was spotted hunting his first meal of the night at around 1AM, in Timepiece’s smoking area.

Emily Lloyd, an unsuspecting first year psychology student, was lured in by a series of classic, killer lines: “Oh you’ve just got back from Asia, I went there on my gap year too”; “Yeah it was three years ago”; and “No, I’m nineteen I swear.”

However, some students were skeptical as to whether ‘sharks’ were present in Exeter at all. When approached by our reporters, Victor Morris, a 4th-year-postgrad student on his second degree, insisted that the epidemic was nonsense and that TV studios would be “disappointed” with what they found. Victor declined to give his age, and we later spotted him hanging around the Lemmy at two in the morning.

This news has left some disappointed. Shark enthusiast Mary Plummer, from Bath, had travelled to Exeter expecting to actually see some of the world’s top marine predators. She’d hoped to see a hammerhead, but unfortunately had to settle for a hammered student.

The Whip urges you to share this message with any fresher whom may be targeted. Those responsible remain forever gill-ty.

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