Freshers’ week is an exciting time for new students as they move to the big city in search of fame, fortune and cheap pints. But there is more to Manchester than meets the eye; indeed, an entire criminal underworld lurks just below the industrial-chic Victorian streets of the city. First years are easy pickings for the Dickensian villains who patrol the parks at night, lusting for blood and iPhone 7s.
With that in mind, The Whip has compiled a handy three-step guide on being ready for your inevitable first mugging.
Always carry your expensive electronics with you
Having a £1300 MacBook Air and £629 iPhone X makes it clear to would-be robbers that you are a person of considerable wealth and therefore not someone to be messed with, lest they wish to encounter the full wrath of your parents’ legal team.
Wear headphones and stare at your phone when walking alone at night
It’s a well known fact that the first step to a successful mugging is engaging the victim in conversation. By preventing this step you nip any attempted theft in the bud. Hear no evil, see no evil.
Get really drunk
By stumbling around and babbling incoherently you’re sure to scare off any baddies, if only by how bad your breath smells. It’s also a great way to make savvy decisions like, “No way am I paying for a taxi, I’ll just walk,” as everyone knows taxis increase your risk of being abducted.
Make sure to follow this guide as a foolproof way of retaining your belongings. As Benjamin Franklin said, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”