Chaos in Ibiza as MPs clash with Thomas Cook customers for flights home

The Supreme Court’s ruling that Boris Johnson’s suspension of parliament was unlawful has caused riots to erupt in the streets of Ibiza, it has emerged.

Thousands of Brits have been stranded on the Balearic island since Thomas Cook went into liquidation on Monday, with nothing to do but get hammered in the airport. Tensions rose in the terminal when MPs, whose fault Thomas Cook’s insolvency is, arrived with their bags and attempted to get back to the UK by the following morning for a recalled parliament. 

Whip reporters spoke to one angry tourist in the departure lounge who had his seat on the next flight taken by an MP.

“It’s an outrage. I slept on the floor last night with my bag for a pillow. A pint of Estrella in here is €8 so I’ve already spent double what I did in the last week. My boss has given me 24 hours to get home or I’m fired – ‘Swim if you fucking have to,’ he said.

“Now these poor politicians with their villas and their art galleries are pushing to the front of the queue because their 6 week paid holiday has been cut short. They might as well stay here; they’d be about as useful as they are in the Commons. Probably claiming the flights home on expenses as well. Twats.”

As flip-flops flew in the direction of the first-class lounge, we spoke to one MP on his way back to Westminster.

“Our position as MPs in the Commons is a vital one for the country. It is imperative that we return promptly to continue fulfilling our duty. My job is far more important than whatever these proles – sorry, people – do, and so I deserve the first flight home. And I definitely shan’t be claiming this on expenses. Champagne?”