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‘They shouldn’t be here’: Badock fresher spots ‘suspicious teenager’ he didn’t go to school with in accommodation bar

He – it – could be from anywhere.

A vigilant Badock fresher was congratulated by accommodation staff yesterday after sensibly reporting a shifty youth seen hanging around the Badock Bar.

Jonathan Battersea-Bloom, 18, identified the male as ‘suspicious’ after he was unable to remember him from any  educational institution he had previously attended.

Sources close to the undergraduate revealed he was able to spot the young person in question thanks to a copy of his trusty sixth-form yearbook. The Whip went to find out more.

“I never leave my room without the ol’ ‘Class of 2018/19’ exactly because of situations like this” explained Jonathan. “When I had that funny feeling something wasn’t right with that chap in the bar, it was a race against time,” he continued, flicking through the year book. “It’s like a more difficult game of Guess-Who, where everyone has a Habsburg jaw.”

Acting faster than any of his colleagues has brought about cross-unit praise in Badock.

“Good egg. He’s acted incredibly maturely – way beyond his years,” commented one warden. “If he hadn’t alerted us, god knows what could have happened. The families of our Badock intake have worked incredibly hard to make sure their children only know other children they already kind of know. Why do you think they sent them to Bristol?

“This so-called ‘teenager’ is a contaminant. He – it – could be from anywhere. Cheshire. Solihull. The Peak District” she said, spitting on the floor. “Shitholes.”

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