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‘So, do you want the grand tour?’ says second year gesturing at mountain of shit

“To the kitchen bit!”

The accommodation provider DIGS, who strive to put student experience and wellbeing at the forefront of everything they do, report having had quite a good week.

And it’s all thanks to second year student, Kevin, who is pretty chipper about the mountain of shit he’s just moved into.

The Whip caught up with Kevin’s estate agent, Kelly, to untangle the story. “Kevin and his four buddies have been really happy with the mountain of shit and it just puts smiles on all our faces down here at the office. I feel blessed to have had this opportunity to watch them build a real nest.”

We asked Kelly if she’d like to join us on a Grand Tour of the mountain of shit. Her face darkened and she started breathing rapidly into a paper bag. We headed off on the Grand Tour sans Kelly.

Kevin, wearing a goofy monkey shirt over flannel boxer shorts, answered the door. He swatted away a few flies and greeted us warmly.

“Welcome! Welcome to the Grand Tour!” Kevin cried, hugging us and smelling like an oniony armpit.

“To the kitchen bit!”

A few of his aforementioned ‘buddies’ poked their heads out of rooms with fallen-in ceilings and broken hoovers. We reached the kitchen and Kevin started to open up.

“So this drawer is where we all communally keep our boxers and our forks. Sometimes one of our mates puts a bra in there and we all know someone got lucky. But yeah, it’s just so exciting that we’ve got this opportunity from DIGS to live like genuine humans – not slaves of our parents, which is just gross. Sometimes all us boys cook a cuzza together and I think I might die of happiness.”

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