Owens Park now contains ‘dangerous level’ of bus wankers, study says

A report has been released damning the Owens Park campus for its potentially dangerous levels of bus wankers.

The analysis suggested that, while in previous years the level of bus wankery had remained steady at ‘slightly hazardous’, there was a massive increase this year as more students than ever turned to the Magic Bus to get to university.

Dr James Carr-Poole, the author of the paper, spoke to Whip reporters about his research.

“This is an unprecedented level of bus wankery. Before you would drive past the Owens Park bus stop at 8:30am and shout at one, maybe two bus wankers. Now they’re queuing round the corner. It’s phenomenal.

“It’s a horrifying development. It’s off the bus wankery scale. Seriously, I could spend so long shouting and gesticulating at them that I’d cause a road accident.

“Some have hypothesised that the increase is owed to students being more lazy and hungover, but we speculate that the real reason is climate change causing Manchester weather to become more shit than ever before, causing students to ditch their bikes and board the bus.”

The University of Manchester suggests students suck it up and walk if they wish to avoid being a bus wanker.