Upping the ante: fresher now shitting in sink
After a successful week of lazily pissing into their bedroom basin, one Hiatt Baker catered resident decided to dabble in darker arts. On Thursday evening Jeff Chilcott, 18, took to his room to deliver a punishment no right-minded sink would wish upon their worst enemy.
After a source close to the undergraduate revealed to us the dirty protest was of a political nature, we sent a correspondent to Stoke Bishop to find out more.
They caught up with Mr. Chilcott at the Source Café to get his side of the story:
“No, it wasn’t for attention. Who told you that? Was it Dan? I bet it was Dan. Dan still wears Canada Goose jackets even though he knows they’re real fur. Don’t listen to Dan. It was a socio-political comment-through-action vividly illustrating the lack of sanitary toilet facilities inside university halls.”
He continued “Just because I did it after sinking 23 VKs at Lola’s doesn’t mean it was an impulsive accident. I’ve been planning it since A-levels.
“But yes, you could say it has afforded me a sort of reputation. Quite a bit of stick as well. ‘You should’ve lived in Turdham’, ‘have you chosen your modules for Turd year yet’, ‘please never go near my fucking sink, you excrement-obsessed twat-biscuit.’ It’s immature, but nothing I can’t live with. After all, the opposite of art is not ugliness, but indifference.”
“I believe it was the great William Shakespeare who wants said ‘you can’t polish a turd – but you can put one in the sink and make it mean something’. It’s just a shame that the latter, more poignant clause, is seldom remembered.”
- 1Greta delivers earth-shattering Motion techno set during Bristol visit
- 2Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 3Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 4North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 5Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form