Hyde Park burglars leave with Macbook, PS4 and the bubonic plague

Despite the squalor and often sub-human conditions of student houses, every day countless burglars bravely risk their health to break in, tempted by the ever-enticing combination of poor security and iPhones funded by the Bank of Mum and Dad.

One such unlucky pilferer, however, got a little more than he bargained for. In a shocking twist, Simon Spork was horrified to discover that alongside swiping the expected Macbook and PS4, he’d unwillingly left with one of the deadliest cases of the Bubonic Plague since the fourteenth century.

The Whip was able to catch up directly with the victim himself right from Leeds General Infirmary:

“Honestly, I think it’s going to take me a couple of opps and a few years of therapy to recover from this,” Simon began.

“I’ve never seen anything quite like it, from the start it was worse than anything I’d ever seen. The dishes looked like they were trying to wriggle out of the sink, although that could have been a rat to be fair. Fucking barbaric either way. I swear I almost walked straight back out, but I’m dedicated to the job so saw it through – boy, do I regret that now.

“The doctors are baffled by it. I mean, everyone already knew student houses could be dirty but that those middle-class intellectual types could literally be hiding such a disease blew my mind. It’s biological warfare. It’s not right.”

In rejecting anonymity, Simon hopes his story will act as a warning to future burglars of the dangers involved in robbing student houses.

“As a rule, if there’s more mould than walls, walk out, you never know what could be lurking underneath. Us thieves might not be perfect, but bloody Nora the way these students live, they’re the real monsters here.”

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