Lack of red party cups entirely shatters fresher’s uni fantasies

Freshers’ Week often proves a challenging time for incoming freshers in Exeter, with many reporting feelings of anxiety, third-stage FOMO and even homesickness. This week, however, The Whip was contacted by one nervous fresh already considering abandoning university altogether.

“It’s just so different from what I thought it’d be,” said 19-year-old Dan “Gibby” Marsden. “I haven’t even seen one person wearing a jacket with massive Greek letters on it, not a single lecturer has tried to fuck me yet, and worst of all I’ve been to three house parties so far where none of the cups were those red ones you see in movies.”

Mr. Marsden is just one of many UK students suffering from a recently-classified medical condition known as “Frat Delusion”, in which young impressionable idiots take all their university expectations from American uni comedies. Symptoms include casual sexism, an inability to understand the rules of football, and “butt-chugging”.

“You know those red cups?” Dan insisted desperately, as he was removed from The Whip offices for trying to “haze” our Editor-In-Chief. “They’re supposed to be everywhere! Red cups, ping-pong tables, people making out on every staircase! That’s what uni is supposed to be! I didn’t realise there’d be actual studying involved!”

As Dan was being removed from our offices, he froze in place, made a sound like a record scratch, and turned to a group of petrified passers-by to announce in a loud voice “I expect you’re wondering how I ended up in this position.” He was subsequently driven to the hospital for emergency treatment, as he would not stop singing ‘Baba O’ Riley’ by The Who.

UPDATE: The Whip is sorry to report that Mr. Marsden later escaped from the hospital amidst a comedic chase sequence in which he lost the majority of his clothing.