Committed flatmate laminates self after forgetting to buy cardboard cut-out for front window

A second year Bristol student hell-bent on showing the entire neighbourhood how quirky their flat is laminated themselves yesterday. The action followed the realisation that no one had bothered to buy a life-size cardboard cut-out for the front room window.

The student was found in her Redland house encased in a layer of plastic late last night. Our oil-based materials correspondent caught up with him to find out more.

“It was a silly mistake on my behalf. I take responsibility.” Steven explained. “I forgot to pack Danny DeVito.

“It’s a shame I’m forever encased in this plastic prison, but I’ll definitely get extenuating circumstances for this. I have literally decreased by an entire dimension. I’m 2-fuckin’-D. That’s got to be worth something.”

Other students report having gone to even greater lengths to secure top of the range decor. All police units in the Clifton area were diverted to an incident on Whiteladies Road after a group of third years ransacked the BBC building and made off with David Attenborough.

“We needed something that was really ‘us’ – and we all love Blue Planet. Attenborough cut-outs are hard to come by, so this was a nice go-between. David’s been a real star. He gets it.”