The Whip is delighted to be reveal that a new scientific breakthrough has shown a direct correlation between the amount of festival wristbands a person wears and how thoroughly detestable they are.
Freshers have arrived in droves in recent weeks, their wrists adorned with various tattered coloured fabric, as if to scream to all around them that they have a lot of personality, but without having to put any effort into being an interesting person.
More importantly, though, the dirty rainbow sleeve is often indicative of a fat bank account from Mum and Dad to fund them banging coke in a field 8 times every summer.
Our reporter asked one fresher why on earth he felt the need to continue wearing these long after the festivals had all concluded, but was met with an unexpected language barrier:
“Foals Foals Tame Impala,” parroted Monty Hunt, a pearl of saliva trickling down past his soul patch, “Arctic Monkeys Catfish and the Bottlemen Foals. The Kooks?”
Dr. Simon Green was inspired to conduct the study when he had a run-in with a particularly annoying patron in Old Timers recently:
“I was minding my own business having a quiet drink, when a long-haired, gravelly-voiced worm wandered into the bar and asked to browse their collection of Vegan IPAs.”
“He looked like some sort of Indie-band Thanos with his all those wristbands riding up his arm. It was obvious that he was a dickhead, so I thought I’d see if there was a correlation. I took a quick swab form the bacterial cesspit that was his arm and headed to the lab.”
With Dr. Green’s results proving beyond doubt that these people are in fact insufferable, we at The Whip beg you to chop them off and just grow up.