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Manchester

Weatherman forecasts week of great small talk

“Always rains in Manchester, doesn’t it?”

Local weatherman George Armstrong has predicted floods, heavy rain, and guaranteed small talk this week.

“Our apparatus measures not just the amount of casual conversation, but the quality of it. That is, how much people actually enjoy it,” said Armstrong. “Recently, the weather has been appalling. It’s rained every day for weeks. There’s a hurricane coming as well, if you believe The Daily Express. Our small talk detectors are currently off the charts. People love to complain.

“In high pressure systems we normally see high pressure conversations; with fair weather, we often realise how little we have to say to our colleagues or friends. But now, with a storm approaching, there’s no chance of conversation drying up: ‘Rubbish weather, init? Always rains in Manchester, doesn’t it?’.

“We’ve only seen this volume of small talk once before – during the summer heatwave. Unfortunately, we didn’t manage to get any actual readings that week. We were all standing around the mini fridge in the lab to keep cool. Absolutely sweltering, it was. Got to about 30 degrees one day. Too hot to do anything. Nice to sit around in though. Beer gardens were rammed. Bet the pubs raked it in. Yeah. 

“Anyway, we couldn’t get any proper results today either. Jeremy got splashed by a bus on the way into work and we started talking about how terrible the weather’s been recently.”

Armstrong and his team hope to collect actual results in the near future when they have the weather for it.

 

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