Last week, the monochrome cubist monument Ursa (the bear pit bear) was removed from its residence in Bristol’s city centre. After several outcries from the city’s community, one bronze, racist denizen has come forward to snidely remark that to warrant removal “takes some real doing.”
The statue of Edward Colston, confirmed prolific slave trader and probable dick, released this statement from atop his physical and immoral high ground.
“I’m just saying that to beat me is no mean feat. I’ve never claimed to be a fan of bears but I’ll begrudgingly tip my cap towards Ursa as a mark of respect. I’ve been outdone.”
Colston made his fortune by transporting 80,000 men, women and children from Africa to the Americas as part of the slave trade. The only comparison The Whip could find applicable for Ursa was that she has witnessed some thousands of people in transit between Cabot, Stokes Croft, and the M32.
While the offences Ursa may have caused remain unknown, allegations have emerged that happy campers may have been threatened by her presence. Locals have assured tourists that she was more afraid of them than they were of her.