Forum Hill seagull isn’t even hungry, it just likes fucking with you

The Whip has been and always will be committed to ensuring that our content tells the whole story, and gives voice to those who may otherwise have no platform.

As such, we decided to interview a representative of the adversaries of student and staff alike; the winged menaces of Forum Hill: the seagulls.

With joie-de-vivre abound and a thirst for a good scoop, our reporter descended upon Forum Hill, believing himself about to show a new side of the story and gain sympathy for the, as one student affectionately called them, ‘feathered fucks.’

But he was very wrong.

“Do we need the food? Do we need it fuck, have you seen the size of me? No way I should be this large, I’m not an albatross mate. No, the only pleasure I get is seeing someone’s face sink as I soar off with their Chicken Caesar.”

Puffing away on a poorly constructed Amber Leaf rollie that he had purloined from an unsuspecting fresher, the seagull spilled all about their reign of terror:

“Maybe in years gone by, my ancestors were pillaging for sustenance, but for me and the boys, our diet is pure, unadulterated schadenfreude, and you know what? It tastes delicious.”

If these details were not enough to seal the position of these assailants, winged and loathed in equal measure, in the hated depths of our collective hearts, the seagull called in some pals to humiliate our reporter.

Not only did they steal his lunch after promising not to, they snapped his glasses, gave him a wedgie and made some very rude comments about his mother, which we have opted not to print due to their scandalous nature.

Heed our warning, don’t trust these gulls; they are very mean and they break promises. And if you’re in doubt, we would like to reassure you that you CAN wait till you get home to eat that wrap, else, you may never eat it at all.