The infamous high-security detention camp Guantanamo Bay has announced today a modification to their methods of extracting information from its detained enemies of the state. Despite the high success rate of waterboarding, officials have discovered a considerably more effective and less humane approach in the use of returning year-abroad students.
This technique came as a moment of genius for a senior agent at the naval base, after his son had returned from a 6-month stint in Madrid. In a direct quote from the official, who prefers to remain anonymous, he revealed:
“The son I had waved goodbye to was fairly irritating as it stood, but when he came back he was totally insufferable, it was then that I realised we could harness this behaviour as a torture method.”
A multitude of habits were detailed, the most notable being the “pronouncing every ‘c’ or ‘s’ as ‘th’, refusing to eat before 10pm and most importantly talking at length about the minutiae of ‘life as an expat’.”
The representative soon realised that his son was an example of many students across the United Kingdom who possessed these unique skills to distress and agonise;
“It was the tip of the iceberg, after speaking to colleagues and carrying out intel in universities themselves that this would be revolutionary, and there is a whole world of clichés which the students bring back and bore us all to death with attempting to justify.”
Agents may even be recruiting at a campus near you, so look out on your careers service in the near future!