‘Societies are actually a bit lame’ declares student whose only hobby is taking drugs
There was outrage across the socially engaged student community tonight after first year politics student Louis Habblesbrook used his platform of a chair in the kitchen of a Unite flat to state his opinion that “Societies are actually a bit lame.” The comment was directed at flatmate Laura Wiles, who was soliciting outfit feedback from third flatmate Hannah Gatsby for her night out with the Diablo Society.
The privately educated fresher went on to state that societies were “just a bunch of nerds getting together to do stuff and hook up with each other,” as if that was not the intention of every one of his own nights out with the least interesting two of his six flatmates and all five of the people he has met at his first and only seminar.
The 2:2 track student reportedly occupies most of his time (and a significant chunk of his parents’ capital) by smoking, snorting and ingesting a wide variety of pretty much any substance he can get his hands on.
“I’m a little hurt but not really surprised,” said aspiring Diablo Society Vice-President Laura Wiles between shots with her new group of friends. “He seem to think that taking drugs constitutes a personality,” she continued, before shoving her tongue down the throat of an enthusiastic juggler.
When pushed, Ms Wiles confessed that her flatmate didn’t spend all his free time taking drugs, as he also spent a significant amount of time complaining about how tired he was and saying the word ‘calm’.
At time of press, Mr Habblesbrook was considering making a fry up and thinking that he should actually be a bit braver and start putting himself out there.
- 1Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 4Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form
- 5Oak House students seeking prison sentences in bid for more homely accommodation