Fresher transfers to University of Salford to avoid Oxford Road leafleters
A mere three weeks into term, first year student David Allens today announced his decision to transfer from the University of Manchester to the University of Salford, in a last-ditch attempt to avoid leafleters on Oxford Road.
The undergraduate explained that the transition was made out of “utter desperation.”
Speaking to Whip reporters about the devastating effect that leafleters have had on his mental health, Allens stated that despite the move, he is unsure if he will ever recover.
“At first, I thought I would be able to manage it. I originally thought that if I ran down Oxford Road, I’d be too quick for them. Initially, this worked, but I’m asthmatic, and I couldn’t maintain the sprint long enough to avoid harassment.
“Next, I pretended to be blind. I used the white curtain pole from my living room as an imitation cane. This was working well, until I got hit by the Magic Bus.”
With both legs now in casts, Allens is even more susceptible to torment, as the walk takes him twice as long.
“I realised my only option was to move to Salford Uni. It’s a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.”
When asked for comment, the Leafleters informed us, “It’s free entry before 12.”
- 1Greta delivers earth-shattering Motion techno set during Bristol visit
- 2Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 3Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 4North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 5Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form