Confusion reigned in Stoke Bishop this week as it emerged that four of most eccentric and exotic first-year students on campus were, in fact, the same man.
After being invited to the flat of the man in question, The Whip can reveal that all of the following freshers are all pseudonyms donned by first year politics student Tom Thompson, 18, from Dulwich:
1. Timothéee Paloma – poet and disreputable, with inky fingers and a shock of steel-grey hair;
2. Marcus Mannheim – silent stalwart of the German U18 water polo team;
3. Shade – rebel and man with nose-ring;
4. Diego Rivulé – Span-ish oddball who “refused to stop banging on about re-applying Cuban guerrilla tactics to the dinner queue?” according to one source.
“Diego Rivulé is dead – long live Ronald Macguffin!” screamed Mr. Thomson from his kitchen window, to no one in particular. As he spoke, his accent shifted from sibilant Spanish to a deep, Scottish burr. Cracking a can of Tennent’s lager, he turned to a mirror and whispered ‘Auld Lang Syne’ to himself over and over again.
“This one’s definitely gonna get me laid, 100%,” Tom told our correspondent, reaching down to properly fasten a ginger merkin to his nether regions. “Ronald loves techno, lasses and looking his best. Not like that fucker Tom, who likes dogs and making his Mum feel good and who definitely definitely misses his Mum and his dogs, like, so, so much more than he thought he would.”