Stoke Bishop quarantined as Freshers’ Flu mutates into Freshers’ Plague

‘Bring out your dead!’

Although the annual onset of ‘Freshers’ Flu’ is no special occurrence, The Whip has learned that this year, the decision has been made to quarantine the North Residential Village, following a sudden mutation of the illness into ‘Freshers’ Plague’.

Far more than a sore throat and sneezing brought on by alcohol abuse and living in close quarters, Freshers’ Plague has brought Stoke Bishop to its knees.

While the quarantine cuts off all external access to Stoke Bishop, the university has allowed essential emergency supplies of medicine, sterile bandages and Amber Leaf to be delivered via the U1 bus. The deliveries are to last until the epidemic is quelled and quarantine lifted, or until the university feels it would rather spend the money on a new library, whichever comes first.

The Whip spoke to one Hiatt Baker resident who has been living with the new mutated Freshers’ Plague, who told us, “I always knew that freshers’ flu was a natural part of living in halls so when I got it, I didn’t think much of it at first. It was only when I got gangrene and started coughing up blood that I thought something needed to be done, so it was a good job I had some Lemsips in.”

Despite the quarantine, the rest of the university remains open, so instead of worrying about that guy sat next to you in your lecture who never covers his mouth when he sneezes, you can now worry about him not covering his buboes when they burst. As for Stoke Bishop, it remains to be seen how this current crisis develops.

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