Uni to offer support to sufferers of ‘gilet-itus’

This week, Exeter University has pledged to combat the rising tide among the student body of “gilet-itus”, which covers sufferers in a cotton-polyester monstrosity that makes them look a bit of a tit.

The disease is endemic across the counties of Devon and Surrey, as well as London districts such as Chelsea, Highbury & Islington and Covent Garden.

Archie Watson is in remission following a deadly dose of gilet-itus and has agreed to share his experience with The Whip. “The first thing you notice are the other symptoms. Excessive trips to Pret-a-Manger, the inability to speak without sounding like a Downton Abbey character, hatred of the poor; that kind of thing.

“Sometimes gilet-itus can be mistaken for pufferjacket-itus, which has similar symptoms… though admittedly your arms are kept a bit warmer with that one.”

Health experts are warning against spending too much time in the worst affected areas, as the disease appears to be contagious. Dr. Mariah Schultz cautions that indulging even ironically in any of the worst symptoms will eventually result in the fashion equivalent of pissing in the wind:

“I’ve had patients come in claiming that at first, they were paying £55 for a sandwich for ‘the meme’. Within a week they’d started unironically enjoying polo shirts, spitting on the homeless and just generally being awful.”

In response to the frightening trend of this disease, the University of Exeter has pledged counselling sessions for those affected, on topics such as “How to Look Good for Under £3K, The Trick Daddy Never Taught You”; “What’s a T-Shirt? The Modern Fashion Trend That’ll Help You Look Like a Commoner” and “What Exactly Are Homeless People and Why Are They Everywhere?”

The Whip attempted to reach out to another sufferer on Exeter High Street, but our reporter to bugger off back to our council estate because some people have a Waitrose shop to do. We hope he recovers soon.