In a world where it seems impossible to adequately balance physical wellbeing with the narcotic turbulence of student life, second year Landscape Gardening student and self- proclaimed ‘health guru’ Charles McQuain, seems to have cracked the code. Combatting five days of unfathomable brain-sizzling carnage with five kilometres of light jogging.
The run is part of a well thought out scheme devised by Charles and the rest of his house to ensure that their relentless roller-coaster of rampant hedonism doesn’t in any way impact their physical or mental health.
The Whip has since been in contact with him to enquire further into their unprecedented level of forward thinking.
“We understand health. We’re not idiots. We take several key measures; on the first of every month, we have either a Berocca or a satsuma, and in preparation for the weekend, we exclusively smoke with menthol filters on Thursday and Friday to account for the excessive smoking of actual harmful cigarettes up ahead. We’re leaders of thought in a way.”
This ingenious equilibrium of exercise and drug use was one that no one thought possible to reach, yet these Burley residents have discovered a way of justifying almost any level of anarchic filth with a proportionate number of laps around the park.
“The way I see it, the maths speaks for itself. It’s basically 41.6 metres of running per one hour of bender. 41.6 is bigger than one.”
The group have claimed that whilst the rigid and undeniable effectiveness of their scheme is beyond any proposed before it, they plan to improve it by adding a new discipline of aftercare referred to as ‘a bit of fresh air’.
“Ten minutes sat in the garden just clears the pores. It filters it all out. Listen to the birds, you know? That way you just know that you can shovel any quantity of illicit powder into your nose over a period of several days and then feel immediately fine the second you wake up. It’s not complicated.”
The Whip will be keeping track of the group over the coming days. More to follow.