Overcrowded club offers disappointed fresher alternative night out in Newport

‘Just a hop, skip and a South Western Rail journey away from the real thing!’

An overcrowded Bristol nightclub has offered disappointed freshers an alternate night in Newport, South Wales, our sources report. 

The established triangle club Reptile Living Room, failing to accommodate the number of students who had booked tickets and gained places at the club, instead offering spots in other areas of the UK. Some club-goers have been relocated to Somerset, Greater Bristol, and many even sent to Newport advertised by the company as ‘just a hop, skip and a Great Western Rail journey away from the real thing’. 

The Whip caught up with the prestigious owner of the club to question her over the administration failure: ‘Yeah this is quite embarrassing to be fair.  Tres embarrassing. Sometimes you don’t expect people to show up when they say they will, I’ve learnt that well enough in my personal life and my experience with Digs. But I guess freshers are different. Freshers are some of the most hands-on reliable people I’ve ever met.’ 

Our reporters were also able to follow up with some relocated freshers in Newport, to get their perspective on the student housing crisis: ‘Where’s my purse. Guys I’ve lost my fucking purse again. Does Arabella have it. Arabella! She does Biology. From Surrey. Biology? Fuck.’ 

Though arbitrary relocation and lack of resources has been the downfall of many club nights, making establishments exceedingly unpopular with students, it has produced some unlikely hits, as shown by controversial new events such as Thekla’s ‘No Deal Rager’ or Motion’s ‘Party like it’s 1979’ extravaganza. 

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