We just wanted to let you all know that, just in case you hadn’t noticed, the girl in your seminar wearing full lacrosse gear is, in fact, in the first team of lacrosse, actually.
The Whip inboxes were subject to a barrage of frantic emails from ‘firstname.lastname@example.org’, who elaborated in great detail on how anxious she was that she had potentially failed to convey this crucial information to everyone within a 5-mile radius.
The young girl (whose name we did know once but, on account of the sheer force of her dullness we all immediately forgot) went into pointlessly great detail about how she had “a reputation to uphold” and “had worked too hard not to get the respect [she] deserves.”
According to some sources, this dedicated trooper wakes up at 4am every morning to hand-wash her stash at risk of it being soiled in the wash, followed by a strict two hours of drying it with a hairdryer.
Her life goal, told one former flatmate who demanded we mention them as an acquaintance rather than a friend, is to have a wardrobe like Homer Simpson, with an identical set of clothes for every day of the week.
You may be wondering why, if distilling one’s entire essence into being in a uni sports team is so insufferable, why we have published this piece, and the answer to that is very simple:
It is with the sincerest hope that she never, ever contacts us again.