Panicked fresher asks personal tutor to move in with them

Beggars can’t be choosers.

More competitive than Oxbridge and Love Island combined, house hunting in Leeds has never been quite so intense. Although most learn fast enough that all the good properties aren’t actually signed for two weeks into term, one frantic fresher has failed to see through the letting agent’s masterful facade.

Taking desperation to new heights, Kenny Kettle, a first-year computer science student, asked his personal tutor, Regina Raspberry, to sign a house with him.

The Whip managed to get the inside scoop from Regina herself.

“It started off just like any other meeting, although, he did actually show up, which I suppose is kind of rare. Anyway, we were sat a civil distance apart discussing how if you buy a stranger a drink they’re not automatically your friend when his face just crumpled. Before I knew it, he was down on his knees.

“He just grabbed my hand and begged me to sign a house with him, blubbering away about Leeds Uni Tickets and all the ten bedders going already and how, despite dressing like the homeless, he really, really doesn’t actually want to end up that way.”

Whilst asking a happily married, 40-year-old woman to live with him seems a strange move, Kenny has stood staunchly by his actions.

“You know what, she’s a lovely woman and I’d rather live with her than some of my flat mates, I’ll tell you that for free. Actually … you do seem like a nice person yourself … you don’t fancy signing, do you? It’s a bit out there but I actually do the washing up, honestly… no?”

Although our reporter politely declined what was no doubt a very generous offer, thankfully, this story has a happy ending.

Kenny is thought to be ‘thrilled’ at the prospect of spending next year in a small, Hyde Park basement flat, alongside the late-night cashier from One Stop, a random, (as of yet) nameless girl he met in Pryzm and a reluctant course mate who was led to believe the house signing agreement was in fact the seminar register.

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