During a keynote speech in California this week, the multinational technology megacorporation Apple has released a ground-breaking new feature for its devices. Targeted directly at BA students, this new feature ‘Find MiPurpose’ provides those lacking in skill, hope and direction an opportunity to navigate a route out of the quagmire of post-uni depression and in to the adult world.
In an exclusive scoop, The Whip was able to speak to Apple CEO and mastermind behind ‘Find MiPurpose’, Tim Apple, to understand the inspiration behind the decision:
“It really came after the success of ‘Find My iPhone’. This basically does the same thing but for those most unemployable and hopeless of individuals: BA students.
“When illegally listening to students’ conversations through our Siri feature, we hear a lot of complaints from those doing Arts degrees about their lack of direction in life. Whilst students that do proper degrees like chemical engineering or physics are getting snapped up by the likes of Deloitte or GSK, our military-level market surveillance programme discovered that BA students have no such luck after graduating.”
There has not been wholehearted support for ‘Find MiPurpose’ amongst trialists of the feature, however.
History student Clarissa Loquacious complained, “It’s only ever given me three options: do a law conversion, go travelling or train to be a teacher.”
“Me too,” claimed History of Art student Chuck Pea. “For me it just says, ‘become a teacher’ or ‘buy a van and go around private schools doing watercolour workshops’. It’s bullshit.”
In fact, 95% of student trialists for ‘Find MiPurpose’ were encouraged to become teachers, causing Mr Apple to defend the algorithms, declaring: “just you wait, give it six months and they’ll be lining up to do a PGCE.”
Time will tell.