‘Hush and flush!’ The best uni buildings for a discreet poo

As anyone holding the hair of a vomiting friend on a night out will know, university is a fantastic opportunity to open up to others. Some things, however, should stay very, very private. In light of this important issue The Whip has compiled a list of five unseen latrines guaranteed to convince your friends that you are not bound by basic human bodily functions.

Beyer Building

Like the ivy that covers its walls, this building’s obscure location and lack of interesting lectures will cover up your secrets. No one will have to know that you are a disgusting animal slave to the whims of Mother Nature.

SU second floor

Perfect in times of an excrement emergency, enjoy the rush of adrenaline as you do your business a mere two floors above your friends and colleagues. Those burrito-eating fools have no idea that smell is you.

Platt Fields 

The beautiful outdoors are excellent for clearing your head, as well as your bowels. Find a large enough bush and no one will suspect a thing.

SU fourth floor

Booked for cult meetings and exorcisms, the Student Union’s secret fourth floor is the ultimate faeces retreat. Just make sure you remember to wash your hands thoroughly before performing the blood sacrifice.

Your own home

As long as you avoid your nosy housemates, pooping in your own residence should go under the radar. For those who want to be especially discreet, The Whip recommends dropping out of uni and moving back in with your parents. You may only be remembered as that worryingly-constipated fresher, but at least you have a legacy.