Today, The Whip can reveal that an anonymous first-year has been volubly farting in order to avoid being ostracised by the wider student body for coughing in lectures.
“They won’t smell it on Replay,” the masked man told our correspondent.
“Saw a man cough once in week one. They eviscerated him. They tell you piranhas don’t wear flares… nothing left of him but an echo. I don’t really understand this anti-cough thing but I don’t want to get the wrong sort of reputation.”
So why continue to go in, even when ill?
“It’s still all social social social at the minute. Always gotta be up for going out, always gotta be meeting people in lectures. I’ve got to be binned 24/7, but healthy enough to turn up and show my face.
“When I felt that tickle in the back of my throat I thought about that poor bugger from week one. Didn’t want to be a pariah, so I began mixing laxatives into my lager-top lemsips. Call it the crackhead sunrise. Makes you feel blurry; leaky,” he continued.
“So – my logic is – if I loudly float one across the hall, the cough just gets lost in the sauce. I think of myself as a kind of smuggler.
“I’m planning on miking up my ass this week so I can really crank up the volume.”