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“Silly Me!”- Stoke Bishop undergrad attracts coastguard after bringing wrong flares to lectures

’It’s not the first time this flare thingy been an issue ’ere’

This week an RNLI skipper helped pull an undergrad out of hot water, after Churchill resident Shelley Seymour was distraught to learn that she had in fact brought the incorrect flares with her to her first day of lectures.

Cringing with embarrassment, Shelley recounted the story to our correspondent in vivid detail.

“Flares. Bloody flares. It’s all my friends went on about when they came to Bristol. They said I just HAD to get some, otherwise my hopes of navigating the fearsome waters of the Stoke Bishop social circuit would be ruined.”

She continued, “Being from the home counties, we haven’t so much as touched a British coastline in our lives. I got a bit wobbly in the first History seminar when I called my lecturer Mother. It seemed like an apt time to set one off.”

Our nautical correspondent interviewed Captain Chris Birdseye on his sturdy vessel The Punisher to see what he made of the incident.

“I’ve been with the RNLI for 60 years,” croaked the 42-year-old. “You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve seen. Sharks glittering in the dark corners of clubland… big fish in small ponds becoming small fish in big ponds… It’s not the first time this flare thingy been an issue ’ere, so at least we were prepared.”

“We helped the lass out, gave her food, blankets, and a voucher for all of Park St’s vintage shops, so she can express her individuality – might happen to be similar to a few other individualities, mind.”

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