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Bristol UK

Fresher moves student card from lanyard into wallet, has threesome

“It wasn’t long before I was oscillating the unmentionables with not one, but two of them!”

A raunchy turn of events ensued this morning as one student had a newfound sexual revelation. Previously celibate engineering student Gene Eric found that by placing his student card out of sight into his wallet, he became immeasurably more attractive.

We interviewed one very flustered Mr Eric as he returned from his harem earlier today.

“It’s a miracle really, I usually wear my lanyard as if it were another limb. But for some reason I decided to spice up my day by putting my U-card in my wallet, right next to my Games Workshop loyalty card.

“As soon as I left the house, I noticed that something was different. At first it was just a few, but by the time I got into uni I was surrounded by hordes of honeys. It wasn’t long before I was oscillating the unmentionables with not one, but two of them!”

The Whip asked reproductive behavioural expert Dr Katherine Price about why U-card positioning matters so much.

“The latest research indicates that the pheromonal quality of student cards could be heightened when combined with leather, which may cause an increased interest from the opposite sex.

“Or maybe the lanyards just make you look like a massive knob? Who knows”

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