Girl only on night out to justify kebab

Well you might have guessed it, but you might not believe it. Clifton 2nd year Emma Donovan confessed to The Whip that she only dragged herself to Lola’s on Tuesday evening with the intention of sprinting to the kebab shop half an hour later.

Shocked, our correspondent interviewed Lola’s owner Mikhail Nabokov to find out how such a betrayal of trust unfold.

“I don’t know where to begin.” Sobbed Mikhail, “One moment she was dancing away, trying to avoid the creepy advances of Bristol’s sports societies, the usual stuff. The next, she’s fucked off to Jason’s within the half hour…she didn’t even have time to hear the 4th repeat of New Rules!”

After handing their last handkerchief to the grieving Mikhail, our correspondent interviewed Emma to hear her side of the story.

“I’m sorry but literally everyone does it,” retorted the undergraduate, “It’s a tale as old as time itself; you get dressed, you go to pres. At this point you’re probably getting a bit sleepy, but luckily your flatmate tops you up with Sainsbury’s own brand vodka and squash.”

She continued, “You battle through the fatigue and drag yourself out to the triangle, and then you see it. Warm. Tender. Glistening with grease. It’s everything you could possibly want and more. It was then I said to myself, ‘Not long now my friend, not long…'”