“I’m 90% hummus!” lies 100% twat

This week, the university’s Hummus Society had to defend itself from accusations that it represented “culture-death”, a “neoliberal nadir” and “a novel way of being alone in a packed room.”

Society President Ali Waller came out swinging. “Hummus is my life. My identity has taken refuge inside this Levantine dip. It does not want to leave. It is delicious, and this is enough for me. I am 90% hummus.

“After a while, the David Attenborough and Louis Theroux T-Shirt societies were not quite doing it for me. Even I, as brain-dead as I am, could not re-watch David’s Weird Weekdays in the PornPlanet for the fourth time. Just like those shows, this umami sludge is a great leveller. It brings us together, but without those diminishing returns.

“There’s so much to say, to debate. Red Pepper Hummus vs. Garlic vs. Olive vs Briscrush vs. Original. Whether hummus is spelled houmous or hummus or hamas.” 

She continued: “So much humour, too! We have great pita-patter! When I finish the 12 serving tub, I remark, wryly, ‘cuff me boys n girls, I’ve committed hummus-side!’ That’s a joke about consuming hummus, killing it via the eating of it with my mouth. Think I’ll put that on Bristruths later.”