‘Living with a couple is so annoying!’ says student, forgetting childhood

The Whip has received reports from students who are furious with the concept of living with a couple after having done so every day for the first eighteen years of their life, no questions asked.

Speaking to Philippa Switch, just one of the many complainants, The Whip was able to grasp just what life was like living with a couple.

“It’s fucking dreadful!” exclaimed Philippa. “Every morning I come down to breakfast laid out on the table, a coffee waiting for me in the pot and a freshly cleaned kitchen,” shuddered the second year chemistry student.

“And then in the evenings, they do disgusting activities like hosting games nights or cooking delicious meals for the house… they do it for free, too, just because they ‘enjoy each other’s company’. I’d much rather be left to my own devices to sulk in my room, surrounded by empty Deliveroo packages whilst re-watching Peep Show for the thirtieth time.”

Philippa revealed how she never had this problem in first year because her whole flat loathed each other.

“It was so easy, you knew where you stood. And yes, you might cry yourself to sleep three/four nights a week but at least you’re not surrounded by some horrible couple shoving their mutual compassion for one another down your throat.

“Anyway, I’m off home this weekend. Need to get out of Hyde Park and enjoy some home comforts. Freshly cooked food, evenings playing articulate… aww my parents are so sweet.”

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